I always do this thing where I will be talking to somebody about something, like discussing my take on an event or my opinion on something, then shortly later I will realise that I am subconciously channeling the television programme Seinfeld. This, not being a case of that, is true. I often see Salman Rushdie on my train. He resides on the Central Coast somewhere, as he alights the train at Gosford train station.
Here is a sneaky photograph of him waiting for the train at Hornsby station:
Issue #8 of Nerf Jihad featured a small bit about iPod owners which included the quote: “only black hearted, dead on the inside shitheads use ipods.” Since then I have myself purchased an iPod. The betrayal has been eating away at me and I feel like I should come clean. I, Matthew Thomas Ford, am now the owner of a 20 gig iPod Classic. A range of events led to the purchase. The main factor in making the purchase was looking through the iPods of people who actually have a rad taste in music. It is really, really impressive to cycle through massive lists of great music, knowing that it is all there in the palm of your hand. Another is that I have decided to stop buying so many CDs, and limiting myself to buying vinyl and pirating mp3’s. I guess I will still purchase independently released CD’s of bands I like that aren’t available on vinyl, but aside from that, no more CD’s. Except for the new Dinosaur Jr. CD. I will probably buy that. And the new Flaming Lips too.
I am sorry to everybody that I have dispointed. If it is any consolation, I refuse to use the white headphones that came with it, opting to use some plain black ones to disguise the guilt I feel from my excessive, unnecesscessary purchase.
While it seems like I have turned my back and joined the douchebag hipster masses, I promise that I haven’t. Here is an email I shot off to Apple this morning regarding something that has been shitting me since purchasing their product:
Tuesday, 19 April, 2009 11:30 AM
From: “Matt Ford” <mattdicknose@yahoo.com.au>
To: “Apple Market Research” <marketresearch@apple.com>
Hey Apple People,
I hated iPods for a long time, but you finally won me over. I purchased an iPod and liked it, and I even found your whole approach to customer service refreshing. But I just want to say that you’re kind of starting to come off as unappreciative dicks. I purchased my iPod at your Sydney City Apple Store. I thought the dude that sold it to me was pretty rad just because of how enthusiastic he was about the products he was selling. It seemed like he was genuinely excited about this kind of thing. Then you sent me a survey to complete in the email. I obliged because I was happy with my purchase and the way I was treated by your staff.
But since then you have bombarded me with survey after survey. You keep asking for more and more feedback. WHAT ABOUT ME? Is this not a give and take relationship? Should you not be meeting me half way here? I paid $400+ for your music storage device. I was happy enough to provide some feedback. BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?
Maybe post me out a Hello Kitty iPod case or some Hello Kitty iPod speakers. And some free downloads in the iTunes store. That would be cool too. Just some sign that you appreciate my support of the Apple Corporation.
I really want to like you guys, Apple. But you just keep asking more and more of me, when I have already given you so much. Is that fair?
Zine person Susy Pow runs a real neat zine distro slash blog called Bird In The Hand. It has a decently stocked online zine shop as well as a frequently updated blog providing information on all the zine happenings in Australia. If you are the type of person who has any interest whatsoever in independent publishing and zines then you will no doubt find it all extremely interesting.
Sometimes I will get a response to a letter after I have already put the zine together. Here are two letters from issue #7 that eventually received a reply that was never published.
My first letter:
AAMI
PO Box 14180
Melbourne City Mail Centre
VIC 8001
Dear AAMI,
I’ve seen some of your print advertisements recently, and this one girl appears in all of them. I have included a clipping so you know the one I am talking about.
What I wanted to know is that if she was real or not? Like yeah, I know she’s a real person and not animated or any of that kind of thing, but does she actually work for AAMI? I was talking about her to a co-worker the other day and he thinks that she’s just a model/actress paid by you guys to appear in the advertisements, where I think she actually works in the AAMI call centre.
Can you please set the record straight so we can settle this argument once and for all! Also, could I maybe get an autographed photo if she’s around the office when you’re responding to this letter.
Warm personal regards,
Matt Ford
After receiving no response, my second letter:
AAMI
PO Box 14180
Melbourne City Mail Centre
VIC 8001
Dear AAMI,
I wrote you a letter a little while regarding the AAMI girl, and you never wrote back to me.
Since the letter was sent, I’ve been having arguments with people at work about whether the AAMI girl really works for AAMI or if she’s just an actress/model paid by you guys to appear in ads.
At first these arguments were very playful in nature, but now things are getting very serious, bordering on violent. People are getting upset.
Could you please provide us with an answer once and for all, so we can finally settle this argument… Does the AAMI girl in the ads work for AAMI?
The Umbilical Brothers are not funny. They are two dudes who are seriously good at what they do, but they just aren’t funny. I swear to god it seems like they’ve had the exact same scripts in rotation for as long as I can remember. Pretend boxing match, pretend car chase, zany dance montage, etc etc etc. It’s just the same old tired shit. At one point they changed it up a bit with the Arnold Schwarzenegger routine, but then they ran that into the ground too. “GET TO THE CHOPPER!” Yeah good one guys, but it was better the twentieth time I saw it on the fucking FOOTY SHOW. If they actually spent some time writing some quality, funny sketches they’d probably be pretty good. But it seems like they’re content riding their wave of shit into the ground.
Some nights after work I will stop in at Noodle Paradise in Gosford for some noodles. I often see this same guy sitting at one of the stools eating alone while reading a book. Sometimes while waiting I will sit and watch him eat. I have only seen him four or five times in total, but I am pretty certain that I have discovered that he is infact a fraud, and a bonafide dickhead.
When the store is busy, he will kinda turn to be semi-facing people when eating, proudly using chopsticks. When the store empties and quietens down a bit, he turns to face the wall, switches to using a fork and eats his meal.
This post is about YouTube celebrity Pruane2Forver, also known as The Sexman.
Pruane is an internet phenomenon. Actually, fuck that. He’s not just an internet phenomenon, but a good old fashioned regular phenomenon. He is the most far fetched example of the youth of today that I can think of. He is the symbol of a world gone mad. He is what happens when youth and technology collide. The future is now, and it is truly frightening. Most kids have traded in hanging out with their mates for dicking around on Facebook, MySpace and MSN Messenger, but Pruane has taken all of that one step further and developed his own little internet following IN THE THOUSANDS with no real talent or gimmick. He isn’t a child prodigy, he’s just your average nerdy, obnoxious, but oh so lovable kid vocalising on topics that he doesn’t fully grasp yet. And the dude has turned heads.
To start things off here is an older rant from Pruane about comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his television programme “Seinfeld”:
Dropping his controversial views, it’s understandable that Pruane receives his fair share of criticism. Here is one of the hundreds of “hate videos” that exist to crush Pruane:
Not the type to just back down from the many, many video and text based insults left for him, Pruane bites back with venom:
A good portion of the insults directed at the Sexman revolve around the irregular gaps in his teeth. Taking feedback on board and addressing the haters Pruane gets braces:
Growing up on the internet, we get the chance to see Pruane’s evolution, from childish ranting about movies and music to more intellectual discussion. In the following video we see him tackle the topic of domestic violence:
Pruane also has an interest in film making. In the following short film we see Pruane play the part of both main characters in his opus, The Sexinator VS The Sexman:
To end on, here is a video of one young boys exuberant celebration in response to the victory of President Obama:
In closing, I would just like to say that even though Pruane is obnoxious, I am a fan. I admire his balls. How he is continually shat on, but still he powers on… loudly and proudly telling the internet all about everything. If he has mesmerized you in a similar way he has me, be aware that this is just the tip of the iceberg. You could easily spend a few hours watching through his back catalogue.
Okay, so just the other day I was coming home from work. I was at Eastwood railway station waiting for my train to arrive. I saw a group of three Indian Myna birds pecking away at a sandwich that was wrapped up in plastic cling wrap. There were two crows sitting on the train power lines above the tracks carefully watching them. The Myna birds were energetically pecking away at the tightly wrapped sandwich in an attempt to secure the inside sandwich. After approximately eight minutes of struggling they got it open. They were jumping up and down with glee, stoked at their efforts. Then out of nowhere the two crows swooped down. The both started squawking loudly at the little minors, bulling them. At first the little Mynas stood their ground. They circled the sandwich attempting the protect their earnings. The crows got more violent. Lunging at the little mynas, stabbing at them with their gigantic furious beaks. After their bravery and little resistance the Mynas high tailed it out of there.
The crows proceed to carry the bits of bread away from the danger of humans on the platform down to the train tracks. There they proceeded to scarf down their hijacked feast. Something else that I noticed which may just be me looking into things too much, but hear me out. The crows had four different tracks to choose from when selecting a place to take their food, right? They just happened to pick the one that wouldn’t have another train pass through for thirty minutes. Am I crazy, or are they paying attention to the train timetables and station announcements now?
Am I just being paranoid, or should we genuinely be concerned?
On the Bombshell Zine forums user “itsallgooddudes” posed the following question: “how many women do you think this man has sexual intercourse with?”
I sent off the following email to the team at Lionel’s website to get to the bottom of it:
Flag this message
Monday, 20 April, 2009 8:38 PM
From: “Matt Ford” <mattdicknose@yahoo.com.au>
To: customerservice@lionelrichie.com
Subject: Lionel Richie’s Sexual History.
Hey there,
I was just listening to Lionel’s “Can’t Slow Down” LP and when “All Night Long (All Night)” came on I started getting flustered. I was feeling pretty frisky. Which got me thinking about Lionel’s sex life. I mean, it’s obvious the guy has conquered his fair amount women over the years. It’s just a question of the extent of his carnal knowledge… Is there any kind of record kept of just how many women Lionel has engaged in sexual intercourse with? I understand Lionel is a tender man, and most probably a very sensitive lover, so I don’t expect an accurate tally to exist… but maybe just a ballpark figure. Like “more than one thousand” or “more than twenty”… you get the idea. Any help you could provide would be great!
Anyway, tell Lionel to keep up the brilliant work and have a wonderful day!
